Q: My husband seems more loving toward the dog than to me. How can I make him more affectionate?
A: Let’s start with some “responsibility questions”: How nice and affectionate are you being? Are you doing anything to turn him off? Your answers could range from mild pestering to showing outright disrespect. If so, vow to stop this behavior.
Now ask yourself: Am I doing anything to turn him on? If not, then start. Try complimenting him, expressing appreciation, showing him affection, and presenting yourself in a more alluring manner. Remember, too, that couples need time alone to talk and have fun. Allow yourself these moments, and it could build a closer relationship.
If your answers indicate that you are acting in a loving fashion and your husband is mostly distant, then it’s crucial to have a calm but assertive talk about the state of your relationship. This conversation should take place at a mutually acceptable time and without distraction. State how you feel and then ask if he understands. Also ask how he is doing and if there is anything that is bothering him. This talk should move you toward some resolution.
Q: How can I get my children to take my advice so they won’t make the same wasteful mistakes that I have made?
A: You can give advice to young children; it’s important to discuss rules and share guidelines that ensure their safety and lawful behavior. However, when it comes to teenagers and adult children, giving advice gets trickier. Even if they ask for your advice and patiently listen to your ideas, they still might not heed them. This is because life is mostly a hands-on learning experience and most people want to learn it on their own. And sometimes, yes, life hands out tough lessons.
There are two basic ways for making advice more palatable for older children. First, see if they would like some help with their problem. If they do, ask if they would be willing to get some advice or hear your point of view. You do not have to give explicit advice, either. Sometimes simply sharing an experience you had can be very powerful.
Even when your kids come to you for advice, don’t talk too much and make sure to ask for their feedback. Learn not to take offense if your advice is belittled or contradicted. Taking offense will usually push your kids further away.
Ultimately, the best kind of “advice” is the kind you give by living your own life. Children will pick up on what you do yourself, and sometimes later on will find the wisdom in your actions or habits. It’s that simple: Just live the example you want your children to live.
Q: When I want to talk to my husband, he often tells me he doesn’t have time or will cut off a topic that he finds too emotional. How can I get him to communicate more?
A: Ask your husband, “Is this a good time to talk about something that concerns me?” Then, talk calmly and give him time to answer. Really listen to what he has to say. Be respectful – you’re not going to get much if you’re critical.
Your husband also needs to step up to the plate. Many men who I see in therapy wonder why their wives have become disinterested in them. He needs to understand that the quality of his sex life directly relates to the quality of your mutual communication.
Be prepared to up the ante if the above does not work. Tell your husband you are looking for a lot more with the man you love and present the option of counseling.
